"I was never the girl next door." ~Mae West
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Lately, I've had to do some heavy thinking about friends.
I've always been one of those people who makes friends easily, and am generally a very loyal friend, the sort willing to help out, listen, be there when you need me...or just want to laugh.
I also expect this in return.
This is where the problem comes in.
I'm often too accepting of people who are hugely damaged in one way or another, leaving them with sociopathy, manipulation, and the impetus to use those they claim to hold dear. I like to think that, as I am not perfect, they shouldn't be held to that standard either...that everyone needs someone to care about them, including myself, and that even though people change, the core being of who they are doesn't.
I like to think these things because I know they're bullshit, and ruminating on it makes me feel less like a fool for letting them in.
I'm someone who knows a ton of people, but whom little is actually known about. Most of the people who I've called "friend" in the past are really just hangers-on, folks who wanted to catch a ride on the train but had no clue where it was going. People who thought, "well she has money, weed, a car, a job, other friends, other drugs, etc...and I want some."
People who thought "maybe, if i stay friends with her, she'll fuck me...even though it's been five years and she's constantly told me we're just friends and that's all we'll ever be..."
These people are a lot of fun for a little while, sure, but in the end I don't really know who they are outside of the facade they present, and they have no idea who I am because they never took the time to actually find out and accept it...they may have argued with me about the person I am, but to them, I'm just someone they can call when they need something...and when I don't or can't or won't help them out, for whatever reason, they toss me aside and assume the well has run dry.
The worst ones are the ones who are friends with people who have hurt me violently and hatefully. They don't understand my point of view on this, and assume that I should "get over it" because they defend the other person's actions over mine, regardless of the disgusting nature.
This original group of friends has been slowly coming back into contact with me, and I have zero interest in them. Why? They're all still friends with my ex, the uber-abusive rapist, or the guy who's been stalking me for several months. Their rationale? Somewhere between "well we tried to warn you" and "well he hasn't done anything to me, you attract those types of people."
My comment being, if you KNOW he's this type of person, why on earth would you remain friends with him for ANY reason? You know he's hurt other women before, you know he's hurt me, you know he'll do it again...and you don't care because...? Apparently, they don't care because it's my fault...you know, the way most victims are at fault for the actions of others.
I can't be friendly with anyone who passively condones actions like that, because it screams volumes about their actual nature...they don't care about ANYONE but themselves. Probably why they're able to be friends with each other--mutual narcissism.
Essentially, I ended up cutting out a huge number of people, or just letting them fade away.
I came to the realization that if I continued to allow these toxic people into my life, I'd never be able to move past them...and sometimes, that's exactly what one must do. I'm moving forward, while these people are mired down in the bullshit lives they've created for themselves, all still gossiping about the same things, causing the same drama, refusing to actually grow as people.
The few remaining friends I've kept are a mix of people from my hippie crowd, my native american friends, and people who have known me since kindergarten. They are people who I can trust, who understand me and who I am, where I'm coming from, and where I want to go. They support what I do and what I'm trying to get done, and they're there for me as I am for them.
As for social networking, it has been immensely helpful finding like-minded folks to talk to as little or as much as I want, to joke with, be serious with, share anger, frustration, help, and happiness with, and generally be who I am without worry of judgment to carry. Do people lie online? Of course. But to be honest, I'd rather be lied to by someone I'm getting to know via a keyboard than someone I purportedly know well via their mouth.
People don't give me credit for the fact that my mother has a PhD in educational psychology, and you don't grow up with that shit without learning how to pick out a liar from 30 feet away. I get what your motives are, and why they are what they are, I just balance them with my own and decide how much it matters in the end.
Sadly for you, the end usually IS the end. I played games for long enough to realize they just kept pushing me past the one thing I wanted, and leaving me in the company of those unwanted manipulators.
Now if only I could wash away that halo of "haven" I seem to have.
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